The crappier generation of reality television
Jackson Main
Issue date: 3/11/03 Section: Humour
Divorced by America
Why is there so much fuss over marriage in American reality shows when they should be focusing on what Americans know best: Divorce. That is exactly why the reality series Divorced by America is coming this summer. It takes the joyous union of two people and rips it apart by completely destroying there marriage. The couples who are dealing with marital stress will reside on a tropical island for five days and prove that they really hate each other by participating in beach oriented events. At the end of fifth day American citizens will be able to call in and vote on who gets divorced. The couple that they pick receives complete coverage of all legal fees, and an additional free stay in rehab when they realize that there lives are so filled with hate that they become addicted to pain killers.
Robot Temptation Island
If you have seen Temptation Island, then you will know that it is a group of couples that stay at a resort to test their relationship by being baited by attractive eligible singles. The new revamped Robot Temptation Island will prove to be far more successful. The robots, although not as attractive as human beings, will be much more entertaining with graphic scenes of hardcore robot sex with full frontal robot nudity. Although it has virtually nothing to do with the show, the robots will also be pitted against each other in relentless robot machete fights fueled by raw robot adrenaline. Robot beach vollyball and robot horseback riding will also be enjoyed on the show.
Fiddle and Clairinette Idol
Why can't band dorks get their shot too? The beautiful people singing Whitney Huston have had it good for too long and must be stopped! How? With a band dork uprising clairinetts using fiddles as clubs to relentlessly beat all the jackasses on American Idol.
Survivor; Northern Ontario
If you aint local then you ain't welcome. That's right its Survivor; Northern Ontario where the locals hate you, it's freezing 11 out of 12 months of the year and you have to hunt like savages in woods for food. All that you are given to help you on your quest for survival is a Canadian Tire mesh back hat and a No Fear shirt. With these items you must penetrate the bizzare sub culture that is Northern Ontario. Survival events include building a house with government money and not putting a porch on the front of it because you don't have to start paying off your housing loan until your house is complete. Technically without stairs leading to your front door your house isn't finished. You will also be required to measure the precise amount of water that it takes to dilute a bottle of hair spray so that you still get drunk but don't get brain damage.
Lick for Money
What will you lick for money? The road? A strippers pole (I saw someone do this for a lap dance once)? The handles on the bus? A serated edge of a knife? Your eyebrow? An old, dead deer? The money is big, the stakes are high and the contestants are even higher, what will you lick for $13.00
Don't Drown
On this show they drop you out of a hellicopter in the middle of the ocean and then they leave you there for five days and if you drown you lose. Events include blowing bubbles in the water, escaping from various man eating sea dwellers and clinging on to you own sanity. Prizes include a handsom dinette set with matching flat wear and prescription drugs that will sedate you so that you won't constantly scream in terror recalling the near death nightmare you experienced at sea.
Gas station hold ups
This show is the chronicles of junkies ripping off gas stations for dope money. Hilarious situations occur when a junkie falls asleep while he's robbing the station with a hammer and when a junkie slips on ice and the gas station attendant douces him in fuel and lights him on fire.
Why is there so much fuss over marriage in American reality shows when they should be focusing on what Americans know best: Divorce. That is exactly why the reality series Divorced by America is coming this summer. It takes the joyous union of two people and rips it apart by completely destroying there marriage. The couples who are dealing with marital stress will reside on a tropical island for five days and prove that they really hate each other by participating in beach oriented events. At the end of fifth day American citizens will be able to call in and vote on who gets divorced. The couple that they pick receives complete coverage of all legal fees, and an additional free stay in rehab when they realize that there lives are so filled with hate that they become addicted to pain killers.
Robot Temptation Island
If you have seen Temptation Island, then you will know that it is a group of couples that stay at a resort to test their relationship by being baited by attractive eligible singles. The new revamped Robot Temptation Island will prove to be far more successful. The robots, although not as attractive as human beings, will be much more entertaining with graphic scenes of hardcore robot sex with full frontal robot nudity. Although it has virtually nothing to do with the show, the robots will also be pitted against each other in relentless robot machete fights fueled by raw robot adrenaline. Robot beach vollyball and robot horseback riding will also be enjoyed on the show.
Fiddle and Clairinette Idol
Why can't band dorks get their shot too? The beautiful people singing Whitney Huston have had it good for too long and must be stopped! How? With a band dork uprising clairinetts using fiddles as clubs to relentlessly beat all the jackasses on American Idol.
Survivor; Northern Ontario
If you aint local then you ain't welcome. That's right its Survivor; Northern Ontario where the locals hate you, it's freezing 11 out of 12 months of the year and you have to hunt like savages in woods for food. All that you are given to help you on your quest for survival is a Canadian Tire mesh back hat and a No Fear shirt. With these items you must penetrate the bizzare sub culture that is Northern Ontario. Survival events include building a house with government money and not putting a porch on the front of it because you don't have to start paying off your housing loan until your house is complete. Technically without stairs leading to your front door your house isn't finished. You will also be required to measure the precise amount of water that it takes to dilute a bottle of hair spray so that you still get drunk but don't get brain damage.
Lick for Money
What will you lick for money? The road? A strippers pole (I saw someone do this for a lap dance once)? The handles on the bus? A serated edge of a knife? Your eyebrow? An old, dead deer? The money is big, the stakes are high and the contestants are even higher, what will you lick for $13.00
Don't Drown
On this show they drop you out of a hellicopter in the middle of the ocean and then they leave you there for five days and if you drown you lose. Events include blowing bubbles in the water, escaping from various man eating sea dwellers and clinging on to you own sanity. Prizes include a handsom dinette set with matching flat wear and prescription drugs that will sedate you so that you won't constantly scream in terror recalling the near death nightmare you experienced at sea.
Gas station hold ups
This show is the chronicles of junkies ripping off gas stations for dope money. Hilarious situations occur when a junkie falls asleep while he's robbing the station with a hammer and when a junkie slips on ice and the gas station attendant douces him in fuel and lights him on fire.
