Starter sex: what's what?
Sex @ Brock #2: The Great Debate
Anastasia Biberhausen
Issue date: 3/2/04 Section: Opinion
However, something has clearly changed recently, as studies indicate more and more young people think oral sex doesn't count. Many blame sex and abstinence education that focus on intercourse. Others blame a general breakdown in family values.
Even if you reject the fire and brimstone explanation, the issue is further complicated when considering anything beyond heterosexual sex. Does that mean, then, that most people believe lesbians never have sex? That it's 'sex' only if they use sex toys or other objects? That seems just plain silly, and more than a little arbitrary. Many gay men, on the other hand, routinely make a distinction between oral sex and full-on intercourse. "The little sex" and "the big sex" is how one friend refers to it. Making penetration the gold standard, however, does seem to be indicative of our male-dominated, phallocentric culture.
Another - female - friend, B., attributes the increased acceptance and popularity of the blow job to a world that's highly sexualized, focused on instant gratification, and directed at men's pleasure.
She sees a distinction between vaginal and oral sex, but says people are far too eager to put up a fake dividing line.
"It's the cach of being able to say, 'I'm a virgin'," she says.
She points out that anecdotal evidence seems to indicate more casual oral sex is happening with men as the recipient than the reverse.
"People in general are uncomfortable about grey areas, and try to work them to their advantage. If you've gone down a man, you know him in the biblical sense of the word. You know how sex works."
The best explanation I can think of is that the double standard is the result of the juxtaposition of an increasingly sexually explicit culture with the remains of patriarchal mores that place a premium on female virginity. While it's obviously nice for men to be able to have guilt-free sex outside of marriage, without the requisite responsibilities, it leaves a lot of questions unanswered about the boundaries of proper female behaviour. While some women may claim the right to be sexually aggressive, it certainly isn't culturally accepted.
The apparently special status of oral sex allows a bizarre halfway point, where women can gratify men's sexual needs, and maybe even occasionally their own, without having to do too much adjustment about conceptions of their own sexuality.
Putting the issue in perspective may be easier when considering what constitutes cheating. Many couples include any outside expression of sexual activity, and that definitely includes oral sex.
C. says - only half tongue-in-cheek - that he believes oral sex isn't really cheating, though he admits that explaining that to a girlfriend can be tricky.
"Only once have I tried that," he said. "It ended poorly."
Even if you reject the fire and brimstone explanation, the issue is further complicated when considering anything beyond heterosexual sex. Does that mean, then, that most people believe lesbians never have sex? That it's 'sex' only if they use sex toys or other objects? That seems just plain silly, and more than a little arbitrary. Many gay men, on the other hand, routinely make a distinction between oral sex and full-on intercourse. "The little sex" and "the big sex" is how one friend refers to it. Making penetration the gold standard, however, does seem to be indicative of our male-dominated, phallocentric culture.
Another - female - friend, B., attributes the increased acceptance and popularity of the blow job to a world that's highly sexualized, focused on instant gratification, and directed at men's pleasure.
She sees a distinction between vaginal and oral sex, but says people are far too eager to put up a fake dividing line.
"It's the cach of being able to say, 'I'm a virgin'," she says.
She points out that anecdotal evidence seems to indicate more casual oral sex is happening with men as the recipient than the reverse.
"People in general are uncomfortable about grey areas, and try to work them to their advantage. If you've gone down a man, you know him in the biblical sense of the word. You know how sex works."
The best explanation I can think of is that the double standard is the result of the juxtaposition of an increasingly sexually explicit culture with the remains of patriarchal mores that place a premium on female virginity. While it's obviously nice for men to be able to have guilt-free sex outside of marriage, without the requisite responsibilities, it leaves a lot of questions unanswered about the boundaries of proper female behaviour. While some women may claim the right to be sexually aggressive, it certainly isn't culturally accepted.
The apparently special status of oral sex allows a bizarre halfway point, where women can gratify men's sexual needs, and maybe even occasionally their own, without having to do too much adjustment about conceptions of their own sexuality.
Putting the issue in perspective may be easier when considering what constitutes cheating. Many couples include any outside expression of sexual activity, and that definitely includes oral sex.
C. says - only half tongue-in-cheek - that he believes oral sex isn't really cheating, though he admits that explaining that to a girlfriend can be tricky.
"Only once have I tried that," he said. "It ended poorly."
