White people: We're actually not completely awful. Seriously.
Travis Nicholson
Issue date: 1/30/07 Section: Marginalia
Something we didn't invent but something we've perfected. For hundreds of years one was forced to make everything one would use themselves: knitting clothes, sculpting pottery, growing vegetables, raising livestock. Fuck that. Let's streamline the process with stores, markets, and later shopping malls and the Internet. Know what? Fuck that too. Build a million Wal-Marts. Everything is 99 cents!
Why drink a beer that you can actually taste!?!? The Coors Brewing Company invented this light beer and, finally, people who just wanted to drink beer like it's juice and go to the bathroom an absurd amount of times in one night are available to get just as drunk and amorous as the rest of us people who like beer that not only we can taste, but tastes good.
Us white folk didn't invent sports, but yet again we've definitely perfected the idea. Any good sport should need a lot of money and an air of exclusivity surrounding it to be any good. These are sports that build good character, make men out of boys, girls into attractive scorekeepers and on-lookers, and do not require excessive skill or physical prowess. These are the kinds of sports you can play casually for an entire afternoon, drink too much whilst doing so, go home and make innocent, tidy love to your wife or housekeeper, and still wake up easily the next morning in time to make the long commute to work without rushing.
Clearly, white people have done an enormous amount of good. Yeah, we invented the glowing trail on the hockey puck so bothersome Americans could pay attention to a hockey game, but we've also won every World War, started every World War, won a vast majority of the world's elections that have actually mattered, controlled a vast majority of the world's economic resources, popularized NASCAR, captured Saddam and built the Titanic.
Oh! Not to mention The Simpsons, Bob Dylan, argyle sweaters, boy shorts on girls, 24, penicillin, democracy, The Office (both versions), Frank Lloyd Wright, John Stockton, radio, television, movies, Pixar, fighter jets, the concept of dinosaurs fighting fighter jets, Lloyd Dobler, Starbucks, physics, astronomy, chemistry, science in general, T-shirts, Playboy, Playgirl, The Hubble Space Telescope, Internet porn, insulin, Apple computers, the iPod, Anne Hathaway, Brad Pitt, Evangeline Lilly, Molly Parker, Dr. McDreamy, the Internet, hockey, indoor plumbing, and the glow-in-the-dark condom.
Why drink a beer that you can actually taste!?!? The Coors Brewing Company invented this light beer and, finally, people who just wanted to drink beer like it's juice and go to the bathroom an absurd amount of times in one night are available to get just as drunk and amorous as the rest of us people who like beer that not only we can taste, but tastes good.
Us white folk didn't invent sports, but yet again we've definitely perfected the idea. Any good sport should need a lot of money and an air of exclusivity surrounding it to be any good. These are sports that build good character, make men out of boys, girls into attractive scorekeepers and on-lookers, and do not require excessive skill or physical prowess. These are the kinds of sports you can play casually for an entire afternoon, drink too much whilst doing so, go home and make innocent, tidy love to your wife or housekeeper, and still wake up easily the next morning in time to make the long commute to work without rushing.
Clearly, white people have done an enormous amount of good. Yeah, we invented the glowing trail on the hockey puck so bothersome Americans could pay attention to a hockey game, but we've also won every World War, started every World War, won a vast majority of the world's elections that have actually mattered, controlled a vast majority of the world's economic resources, popularized NASCAR, captured Saddam and built the Titanic.
Oh! Not to mention The Simpsons, Bob Dylan, argyle sweaters, boy shorts on girls, 24, penicillin, democracy, The Office (both versions), Frank Lloyd Wright, John Stockton, radio, television, movies, Pixar, fighter jets, the concept of dinosaurs fighting fighter jets, Lloyd Dobler, Starbucks, physics, astronomy, chemistry, science in general, T-shirts, Playboy, Playgirl, The Hubble Space Telescope, Internet porn, insulin, Apple computers, the iPod, Anne Hathaway, Brad Pitt, Evangeline Lilly, Molly Parker, Dr. McDreamy, the Internet, hockey, indoor plumbing, and the glow-in-the-dark condom.
Viewing Comments 1 - 7 of 8
Stacyann Williams
posted 1/30/07 @ 12:06 PM EST
This article is very inappropriate and offensive. Who cares if your white or not. This is a multicultural country. Brock university does not educate only white students. (Continued…)
Renee Martin
posted 1/30/07 @ 2:53 PM EST
This artilce has sunk the Brock press to an all time low. Have we actually run out of intelligent thought at this university? Even a dirty limmerick would have been better than this so-called article. (Continued…)
beth maher
posted 1/31/07 @ 1:03 PM EST
It's a joke people. And a funny one at that.
Margaret Crawford
posted 1/31/07 @ 1:38 PM EST
A joke , yes, Funny, no. Sick, yes.
Liam Dynes
posted 1/31/07 @ 5:19 PM EST
I can't beLIEVE there are people out there taking this piece at all seriously. And I don't mean that you don't understand it's a joke, it's that you don't seem to understand the purpose of satire. (Continued…)
candybear
george strombo
posted 2/01/07 @ 3:14 PM EST
This is a really bad attempt at satire. It isn't really offensive at all, it's just poorly written and fairly idiotic. People wrote this shitty stuff in Junior High. (Continued…)
Matt Czerwinski
posted 2/01/07 @ 4:21 PM EST
Best article i've read in the Brock Press all year. Brilliant!
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