2008 Woodie Awards
Totally Crushin' Mary Kate Olsen
Travis Nicholson
Issue date: 10/23/07 Section: Marginalia
How weird is it that I'm writing this letter to you? You're Michelle-fucking-Tanner fer chrissakes, and back in the '90s I totally had a thing for your sister Stephanie. Alas, I was an avid Full House fan and that's something that any woman daft enough to invest a hint of emotional effort into me is going to have to deal with. With this absurd fascination with Full House comes: my rage issues, kinky behaviour involving lederhosen, I'm a werewolf, a total lack of concern for the future and a painfully small penis. You better believe I am one hell of a catch.
Perhaps, though, it is just me that feels weird about writing. You were born in '86 and I was born in '85, so really there is no problem here. I'm fairly immature for my age (emotionally, sexually, financially, physically, developmentally, spiritually, linguistically, and in terms of body hair - the whole shebang), and you're worth well over a billion dollars. I think we could make it work.
You see, I have all these things I need to do but don't have money for. I don't want to get into the specifics of what I'd ask you to buy for me because, really, it's embarrassing how much I could talk about how I want my bedroom to have a waterslide in it.
I think you could be into that, though it's a responsible purchase for what I have planned to do with it.
You've been in the newest season of Weeds, which happens to be my favourite TV show currently on the air. I must say you're a little bit too comfortable or too good at playing a total stoner, but the character is totally someone I dig and maybe even come to love (even if you're a stoner that's seriously into Jesus). The role looks good on ya, sport. But I have to ask: Michelle Tanner, do you like to get stoned?
I think you do because, let's face it, you have no reason not to. You're 21 and worth a billion fucking dollars. Put me in your shoes and I'd gallivant around the world drinking Starbucks and wearing a bed sheet for clothes just like you.
The only difference with me is that I'd install a waterslide in my bedroom, which you clearly have yet to do. Have you ever gotten high, had an hour or so of subtle coitus, got high again, and topped it off with a waterslide and a float in the lazy river that surrounds your secret back patio? I am willing to bet 11 dollars and a lifetime of happiness that you haven't.
Mary Kate, I think I'd be good for you in a lot of ways. The Hollywood gossip machine has paired you with a bunch of unsavoury characters over the last few years and, I must admit, it hurt your image some. Lucky for you, I am a completely savoury fella and not completely useless. Although, again, I do have some hang-ups: According to the government I am unable to read, I secretly listen to shitty music in my private time, I never know what I want to eat at restaurants, I know nothing about wine, I think cuddling is a sign of weakness and I no longer remember what it feels like to smile - but I do happen to be dead accurate with a riding crop!
And yes, I admit that before I hinted that I'm in it for the money. Please be aware that I was really joking about that. I really am a guy that could be happy with coffee, comfortable shoes, the occasional adventure and something pretty to look at.
Perhaps, though, it is just me that feels weird about writing. You were born in '86 and I was born in '85, so really there is no problem here. I'm fairly immature for my age (emotionally, sexually, financially, physically, developmentally, spiritually, linguistically, and in terms of body hair - the whole shebang), and you're worth well over a billion dollars. I think we could make it work.
You see, I have all these things I need to do but don't have money for. I don't want to get into the specifics of what I'd ask you to buy for me because, really, it's embarrassing how much I could talk about how I want my bedroom to have a waterslide in it.
I think you could be into that, though it's a responsible purchase for what I have planned to do with it.
You've been in the newest season of Weeds, which happens to be my favourite TV show currently on the air. I must say you're a little bit too comfortable or too good at playing a total stoner, but the character is totally someone I dig and maybe even come to love (even if you're a stoner that's seriously into Jesus). The role looks good on ya, sport. But I have to ask: Michelle Tanner, do you like to get stoned?
I think you do because, let's face it, you have no reason not to. You're 21 and worth a billion fucking dollars. Put me in your shoes and I'd gallivant around the world drinking Starbucks and wearing a bed sheet for clothes just like you.
The only difference with me is that I'd install a waterslide in my bedroom, which you clearly have yet to do. Have you ever gotten high, had an hour or so of subtle coitus, got high again, and topped it off with a waterslide and a float in the lazy river that surrounds your secret back patio? I am willing to bet 11 dollars and a lifetime of happiness that you haven't.
Mary Kate, I think I'd be good for you in a lot of ways. The Hollywood gossip machine has paired you with a bunch of unsavoury characters over the last few years and, I must admit, it hurt your image some. Lucky for you, I am a completely savoury fella and not completely useless. Although, again, I do have some hang-ups: According to the government I am unable to read, I secretly listen to shitty music in my private time, I never know what I want to eat at restaurants, I know nothing about wine, I think cuddling is a sign of weakness and I no longer remember what it feels like to smile - but I do happen to be dead accurate with a riding crop!
And yes, I admit that before I hinted that I'm in it for the money. Please be aware that I was really joking about that. I really am a guy that could be happy with coffee, comfortable shoes, the occasional adventure and something pretty to look at.
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